You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.
—Andrea Gibson, "The Nutritionist" (via psych-facts)
We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.
—Carson Mccullers (via psych-facts)
This is the story of why I am the happy nut.
The happy nut is a literal term translated from the used chinese term for a type of nut called pistachios. They were called ‘happy nuts’ because of the slit in their shells that gave them the impression of a smile, and that is how it came to be.
I didn’t become the happy nut gradually, I was the happy nut for as long as I can remember. I was always referred to as the girl with too much energy, a girl who was crazy, a girl with unusual amounts of zest and zeal, a girl who talked too much and smiled too wide. Whilst I got into a lot of trouble for my less than excepted behavior, I was never condoned for it by those who loved what all that had been said about me - it was my happiness and joyfulness that they couldn’t pin point. Those who saw my loud antiques simply accepted that I was a happy child, and did all they could to keep it that way.
My classmates at primary school nicknamed me ‘happy nut’ because I was always seen with a big grin on my face like the chesire cat.
I didn’t particularly enjoy school because my happiness depended a lot on my extroversion. The more I got to express myself back then, was my idea of happiness. I simply loved to talk, discuss, share ideas because I was a person who couldn’t think and act quietly. My energy would be derived from interaction and the dynamics of socialization, a trait that wasn’t favored in an education system that prized memorization and complete subservience to what the teacher said. I was often silenced and chastised for this ‘loudness’, and for many years I tried to silence it only to have it turned louder like a speaker like some kind of cruel joke. As I transitioned back and forth the silent that didn’t comfort me and the loudness that pained me, I simply realized that I wasn’t doing what made me happy - and I struggled even longer.
It was only towards my 21st birthday that I realized I was slowly becoming the happy nut again, but a better, smarter and wiser version from my younger days. I made it a mantra to be positive no matter what, a habit that isn’t easily form as I was going against the current. Many a times I would be dejected and for-lone, and many a times I have sunk so low that even my well-known enthusiasm couldn’t save me. Its funny to think even a person like me can get sad - but it happens. It happens often because the world is not as bad as they paint it to be, but most of my comrades of life choose to smother and destruct this beautiful picture because of what they feel like instead of acting like how they should feel. For a person who relies on this beautiful picture for life - I am brought down. But this very same beautiful picture, I am the happy nut.
The happy nut is not a person who smiles who no reason - the happy nut is one who is thrilled when she picks herself after she has fallen and grateful that the fall has made even stronger, therefore happier.
I am the happy nut.